Year 2

Today marks the second year of Mom being gone. I know that all of us are still feeling the effects of that. Two of my sisters and I have moved on, at least have tried to get on with life because "life goes on". One is having a difficult time of it.

It's strange how people deal with the loss of a loved one. Some become so depressed they can't function. Some just go right along without any show of emotion whatsoever and others bottle everything up and can't afford to lose it to begin with.

I miss seeing Mom's truck go by the house or hear her honk. I miss just hearing her voice, even her LOUD cacklin' laugh!! I miss going over to the house and seeing the "new" thing she had done in the yard.

I finally shredded and hauled off Mom's old paperwork, receipts, bank statements and things like that this past March. But there are some items I've hung onto. Like, all of the cards and book that people signed at the funeral home. What does a person do with that?

Go through it and see how many people Mom's life touched? When I still want her to be touching lives!  Am I mad? You betcha!! I'm mad that nothing could be done to help her, although the doctor and staff tried.

I'm mad that my kids, nieces and nephew no longer have their Na Na! I'm mad that one of my sisters is now divorced from her husband. I'm mad that Mom didn't get to take a trip this summer before she had to get back to work. I'm mad that I've lost my best friend and that I don't have a best friend.

I'm mad that the stupid dog keeps peeing in the floor! I'm pissed that I'm overweight. That Mike and I are now:

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no lean.

And so between them both, you see,

They licked the platter clean.

It ticks me off that I feel as though I'm unable to trust people at our church due to things that have happened in the past.  And that there are double standards at how people are treated there. Isn't that weird? you would think that church would be a safe place.

I'm on a roll...That my uncle has found out that he has prostate cancer and that the other uncle has gone loco. That Pa Pa is old and unable to take care of himself. That I am an ORPHAN!!

It's upsetting to know that my father in-law is in that big 'ol house by himself. That no one had cleaned his bathroom from January to July. And all he'll be doing is sitting in the kitchen, drinking beer watching Fox News. Well, at least he'll be well informed...

We have trash sitting by the front door for the last two days and no one bothers to take it out...

I'm growing up to be an old, bitter woman!! I know it!

Of course I see all of the blessings that we do have. Our children are smart, healthy and happy. Mike has a great job that allows him to be at home two days a week.  I'm allowed to stay at home and govern our little corner. We are able to homeschool, we have nice things and really want for nothing.

There are times that I am done, worn out, kaput. I'm tired of putting on a "happy face" and pretending that things don't bother me. I'm tired of turning the other cheek and acting as though every things alright.  I'm tired of acting. I've had to learn to do that the last couple of years.

I've become quite good at it also.  I would like to thank the Academy for this award...

In order to keep the peace at home, at church, I've learned to keep my mouth shut and act as though nothing bothers me. Stone Cold, unemotional, detachment.  Survival of the fittest. If you haven't noticed, I'm the one that shows no emotion whatsoever...I'm just sayin'.

I use to able to vent to Mom. She would tell me to get over it and go on. Cause in the big picture no one cares, it doesn't accomplish anything and it's not worth the aggravation.

When some people take commitment more seriously than others. That gets me too! You know you have a commitment during the week and then choose to do something else, even though you know you have something else going on. 

Every bit of this is completely out of my control. Including the dog peeing in the floor and I may have to have her put to sleep for it...

Then you hear people say, God has it all under control. Do you ever wonder about that? Does He really? Do you ever wonder why this person gets a "miracle" and that person didn't? For two years now I've wanted to know the "qualifications" on how to receive one of those life altering miracles.

Then in January when Mike's mom died, I wondered the same thing.  Why didn't he get one? I know that Mike hurts just as badly as I do about losing a Mom. But we both deal with it differently. Maybe he's come to terms with it all and I haven't. Or maybe he  hides it just as well.

Why did Brett Michael's get a "life altering" miracle and our families didn't?? What in the world has he or his family done to warrant that?  Is that a legitimate question? Does it even make sense?

It irritates me that we have a President that is "fundamentally changing" our country and NO ONE seems to care!!!!! That Glenn Beck is going blind and people are happy about that!

Is there a just cause for all of this whining, bitterness, jealousy? Or is this just delusional rantings of a crazy person who really can't afford to lose it? Is this a real life or it this just fantasy??  oops, that song might start making sense to me now.

I have NEVER been or have wanted to be one of those "little wives" that is a emotional wreck. One of those that cries at the drop of a hat. One that has so much drama going on in their life that people look at them with pity and do things for them out of that pity. And I can't allow that to happen now.

It seems that we are merely players, performers and portrayers. Oops, another song that I might understand now.  Maybe next year, I won't be as mad...